What to say (and what not to say) when your child is angry
Whoever has kids indeed dealt with angry outbursts and tantrums occasionally. Anger is a natural emotion; our children experience it just like us. Ideally, they have a safe space to let it out.
Different Situations Can Happen With Angry Kids In The Picture
Have you ever found yourself shouting at your angry child? Or are you becoming quiet because you feel helpless when your child gets angry? Managing angry children and teenagers is a learning process, and being a good role model is essential. So, what should you say (and what not to say) when your child is angry?
Feeling the anger
When you notice your child is angry, you might automatically feel your heart beating faster because we usually don’t enjoy these situations. It can help to ask yourself, “What do I want my child to learn from these angry moments?” Allow your child to feel the anger as long as they are not breaking any rules or being disrespectful. Invite them to talk by saying something like, “It is okay to be angry; I’m here if you wish to talk about what makes you angry!”
What Can Happen At Times
Sometimes, a child gets angry to test the parent’s reaction. They might make rude comments, knowing that you will give in to avoid a tantrum.
Do Not:
- ask your child to “get over it” or suppress their anger, as this will lead to them bottling up, which increases the chance of exploding later on
- get angry yourself
- give in and negotiate: by giving in, you teach your child that acting out is okay, so they are likely to repeat it
Expressing The Anger
There are appropriate ways to express anger; your child must learn these from you. Open the conversation and ask your child: “Where do you feel the anger in your body?” “Do you need to cry, scream, or punch something to get your anger out?” “How can I help you release your anger so you won’t hurt yourself or anyone else?” You can share with your child what helps you release anger and calm down.
Recommendation for Anger Outburst Scenarios
During an anger outburst, create space for your child until they feel more in control again. This will help them learn to self-regulate. You can suggest, “I see you are angry. Do you need some time in your room?” or “Would you like to lie down on the couch for a little while until you feel less angry?”
Once your child’s tantrum is over, you can punish them for their behaviour by saying, “What you did when you were angry was not okay; therefore, XYZ happens now.”
Do Not:
- say “go away” and isolate your child during the “cooling off phase”/lock them in their room
- Tell them what to do, and give instructions such as “Go sit on the couch/stand in the corner!”
- get physical with your child as this will teach them to solve their problems and emotional outbursts with aggression
- give consequences for being angry; remember: the emotion is okay; if your child starts kicking, being rude or disrespectful, though it is not
Normalising Anger And Role Modelling
If you get angry because of your child’s tantrum or for any other reason, admit it and create space by saying, “I am angry now; I need some time for myself.” Sometimes, it is easier said than done, but remain calm, as this teaches your child that you are not engaging in power struggles and that angry situations can be solved peacefully.
Always communicate that you are around and there for your child, even when they are angry: “I am here to support you. Let’s talk about your angry feelings! ” “I don’t judge you for being angry; I am trying to understand what makes you angry.” “Let me know what makes you angry so I can help you.”
Do Not:
- challenge your child during a tantrum/yell back
- push them to talk, they might take a while to be able to open up
If you overreacted when your child was angry, apologise to make amends and move on – we all make mistakes and apologising for these will teach your child to take responsibility for their words and actions when angry.
If you think you can benefit from professional support on this issue, you can reach out here.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counsellor with the Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in sexuality, relationship issues, trauma and general mental health.
References
https://www.growthwellnesstherapy.com/our-blog/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-anger
