Isn’t it funny somehow that we teach our children about their different body parts, singing the “head, shoulders, knees and toes”- song, making them touch those areas but when it comes to genitals, we might consider touching abnormal or even immoral!? Even babies touch themselves – it is very normal. Children tend to explore their bodies way sooner than most parents would expect.
After catching your son masturbating, you may feel some discomfort, you might also feel embarrassed or shocked. This does not mean that his behavior is bad. Masturbation is part of growing up and exploring his sexuality.
It is very important to keep in mind that from your adult point of view, you automatically bring touching genitals into a sexual context based on your experiences. However, children at a young age are innocent.
Your son might also feel uncomfortable after being caught doing something he might haven’t done before. And you are unsure whether you should address the topic with him.
Here is what you should be doing and what you should better not be doing in the current situation:
Do’s
Whether your son is 2 or 10, the message you send should be on the lines of ‘It is normal and it is healthy what you are doing’. Your child is showing interest in his body and sexuality. Touching his penis is giving him a good feeling and comfort.
Respond to the situation in a casual way and suggest to always make sure he has privacy when masturbating. Important is to emphasize that it is not a thing nobody ever speaks about – declare your availability for any questions he might have.
If your son asks questions about his genitals, you can explain the different functions of his different body parts: we all have ears to hear, we have hands to grab things and we have penises and vaginas to urinate and reproduce. Depending on his age, this can be an excellent opportunity to add some sex education.
Maybe your son asks whether you are masturbating as well. It is okay to let him know that this is private if you don’t feel comfortable speaking about it. Let’s consider that in some cultures it is still a taboo to speak about any kind of sexual activity, including masturbation.
As a mum, you might want to consider that your son may be more comfortable to speak about masturbation with his dad or another male part of the family – be open about it, ask what he needs.
Don’ts
Keep calm, there is no use in freaking out about catching your son masturbating. You can make things worse by telling him to stop touching himself as this would suggest that he is doing something wrong.
Your son should not feel guilty or ashamed. You should not add a negative connotation to the topic as this might make him stop speaking about it at all to you and shut down. Also, don’t ignore the topic: By checking in with him at times you make sure that masturbation is not becoming an obsession or his only way to cope with stressful situations or seek pleasure.
Another thing you shouldn’t do is to force a conversation on your son. Normalize the situation, discuss neutral topics and be open so he knows he can approach you with anything when he feels ready to do so. Once he opens up to you, make sure you do not bring your own inhibitions and fears into the conversation.
Should you notice that your son’s masturbation activities interfere with other aspects of life, that he is watching porn in an obsessive way while masturbating, that he is inserting objects into himself or speaks about masturbation and sex in a way that is concerning for his age, there might be an underlying issue.
In such cases, it is advisable to seek professional support from your pediatrician and/or a counsellor/therapist.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counsellor with Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in sexuality, relationship issues, trauma and general mental health.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
References