It is a fairly common phenomenon for a gay or bisexual person to become attracted to or fall in love with one of their straight friends. In fact, it is so common, that it is known to be a ‘queer rite of passage’ – something that happens to most gay people at some point in their lifetime. The likelihood of this happening is so high because the majority of people in the world are straight, and therefore it is statistically more probable that you might end up crushing on one of your straight friends.
The golden question: what do you do if this happens to you?
If you are currently in this situation, you may be asking yourself this very question. Do you tell your friend how you feel about them? If you do, how would you go about it? Or would you rather just keep everything to yourself and go on with your friendship with them as usual?
You might need to take some time to reflect on whether disclosing your attraction towards your friend is worth the risk. Nonetheless, whether or not you choose to act on your feelings is your own personal choice. However, it might be beneficial to be prepared for the different possible responses that you may receive, should you actually want to go ahead with telling your friend how you feel about them.
Scenario 1: They Like You Back
In the best-case scenario, you tell your friend about your feelings towards them and they tell you that they feel the same way. Perhaps your friend is questioning their sexual orientation and would be open to the idea of exploring dating someone of the same gender. Although there may be a slim chance of this happening, you need to be realistic in your expectations and not cling to this possibility. There is a good chance of getting your heart broken if things do not move forward in this direction.
Scenario 2: They want to keep things platonic
Another possible scenario could be one where you bring your feelings out in the open and they tell you that their feelings towards you are strictly platonic, but they would like to maintain their friendship with you. Ok, so this is not what you had hoped would happen, however, you were honest with your friend about your feelings and you were both able to handle the situation in a way that did not affect your relationship negatively. You might still wish to check in with both yourself and your friend to see whether some distance might be needed to process what happened. This can help to lessen the possibility of damaging your friendship until you both feel ready to start enjoying it again.
Scenario 3: You’re Rejected
A third scenario could be one where you express your attraction towards your friend and it makes your friendship with them become awkward and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this sort of scenario can happen if your friend is overwhelmed by your declaration of attraction towards them. It may even lead to them telling you that they no longer want to be friends. While such a reaction may be hurtful, unfortunately, you cannot control how your friend is going to think and feel. The occurrence of this scenario means you would need to process the pain of unrequited attraction, as well as the loss of a friendship.
Let It Happen
Ultimately, there is no way of knowing what could happen unless you choose to let your friend know how you feel about them If you eventually choose to do so, it does not need to result in the two of you dating. Having expressed your feelings towards this person can already be relieving in and of itself. If they do not feel the same way towards you, this will give you the opportunity to be able to move on to other opportunities. If you decide that telling your friend about your feelings poses too much of a risk for your friendship, then it is totally okay to keep those feelings to yourself.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
Pamela Borg is a counsellor who enjoys working therapeutically with adults experiencing various issues. These include general mental health and wellbeing, gender, sexuality, and relationship issues.
REFERENCES
Being gay is okay (2022). I’ve fallen for a straight friend. Retrieved from: https://bgiok.org.uk/ive-fallen-for-a-straight-friend/
Go ask Alice (2021). Should I tell my friend that I’m attracted to him? Retrieved from: https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-tell-friend-im-attracted-to-him/
West, R. (2022). Should you tell your straight friend you’re attracted to him? Retrieved from: https://mixxxer.com/gay/should-you-tell-your-straight-friend-youre-attracted-to-him/