When getting to know a new partner, there is this spark, desire, that feeling of totally being into each other, not getting enough. There is attraction on different levels – emotional, passionate and physical – and the feeling that it will never go away.
And now… you probably find yourself looking at your partner with different eyes. The spark has died somehow? Well, it is normal not to have this initial attraction throughout the relationship. However, due to the lack of attraction you might now be facing
- a poor sex life
- a possible affair
- nitpicking
- distance
- a lack of respect and/or
- a lack of affection.
Maybe you have even committed yourself to a partner you were never really attracted to in the first place? What does a lack and/or loss of attraction mean for the relationship and what can be done?
Step 1: communicate openly
Once you admit that the attraction is gone, speak to your partner to start resolving the issue. Maybe your communication lately was missing meaningfulness and intimacy which led to a loss of attraction?
Loss of attraction is often only the surface: If you notice that communicating is not leading to sparking the fire again, it’s time for:
Step 2: find out about the underlying issues
Here are some common reasons for losing attraction in a relationship:
- bottled up anger coming from poorly managed conflicts
- low self-esteem coming from emotional distance
- too much familiarity leading to seeing the partner more as a family member than a lover
- physical changes: Has your partner gained/lost weight or is not taking care of their body as much anymore?
- dishonesty preventing closeness
- failure to share activities leading to boredom and routine
- lack of emotional support
- merged identities based on losing uniqueness and completely adjusting to the partner and the relationship
- …
The good news is: Loss of attraction does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship. If both partners are committed to finding out what the situation is about and are honest with each other, the attraction can be revived.
Depending on the cause(s) of the lost attraction, the methods for resolving the problem differ. Here is what you can try to reignite the attraction and passion:
- Face the situation
It might be a scary one and you might become aware of your own emotional issues – face them!
- Redefine attraction
Which level(s) of attraction got lost in your relationship? What does attraction mean to you and your partner? Can your emotional attraction for example spark more physical attraction or vice versa?
- Focus on self-love
If you struggle to accept and love yourself, other people including your partner will find it difficult to be attracted to you.
- Keep the memories alive
What made you fall for your partner? What attracted you in the first place?
- Reestablish the connection
What about your emotional and mental connection? It might have gotten lost in the daily routine and deserve some focus now.
- Make new memories
By trying new things together and going on adventures, your attraction might increase based on exciting experiences, an adrenaline rush.
- Learn your partner’s love language
Have a read through Gary Chapman’s ‘5 Love Languages’ and you might understand what the loss of attraction is about.
- Stay realistic
Your partner can’t be expected to meet all your needs. Adding some friends and keeping up with your interests outside the relationship is important.
If all your attempts to figure the reasons for your loss of attraction and/or to bring back the attraction fail, it might be time to reach out to a professional – we are here for individual or couple counseling/therapy.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counselor with Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in sexuality, relationship issues, trauma and general mental health.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
References
http://sexpositivepsychology.com.au/blog/2020/12/21/i-no-longer-find-my-partner-sexually-attractive