How Attachment Styles Show Up in Arguments
Attachment styles, shaped during early childhood through relationships with primary caregivers, profoundly influence how individuals experience and manage conflict in adult relationships. These patterns— from secure to anxious to avoidant to disorganized—tend to surface primarily during emotionally charged situations, such as arguments or disagreements.
What’s The Secure Attachment Style All About
A secure attachment style is marked by emotional regulation, trust, and open communication. People with secure attachment feel confident expressing their needs and are generally not overwhelmed by conflict. During an argument, they are more likely to remain calm and focused on resolving the issue. For example, there is a disagreement about shared responsibilities. In that case, a securely attached person might say, “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything—can we figure out a better way to divide things?” They tend to assume the best in their partner and prioritise collaboration and understanding.
What’s The Insecure And Anxious Attachment Styles All About
On the other hand, insecure attachment styles can complicate arguments and escalate tension. An individual with an anxious attachment style may experience a heightened fear of abandonment and seek constant reassurance, especially during conflict. When feeling hurt or unheard, they might react with emotional intensity or accusations like, “You do not care about me at all!” These reactions often stem from deep insecurities and a need to feel close and validated. Unfortunately, this can sometimes push their partner away, reinforcing the anxious individual’s fears.
What’s The Avoidant Attachment Style All About
In contrast, someone with an avoidant attachment style may become emotionally distant or dismissive in an argument. Rather than expressing hurt or frustration, they tend to shut down or disengage to avoid vulnerability. For example, in response to the same conflict over responsibilities, a person with an avoidant attachment might say, “Why are we even talking about this? It does not matter.” This withdrawal can be frustrating to their partner and may lead to a sense of emotional disconnection in the relationship.
How Do Relationships Function With A Disorganized Attachment Style In The Picture
The disorganised attachment style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. Individuals with this style may struggle with internal conflict, craving intimacy while also fearing it. During an argument, they may display confusing behaviours like yelling one moment and shutting down the next. These unpredictable reactions are often rooted in unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving during childhood.
Conclusion
Understanding how different attachment styles appear in conflict can be a powerful tool for improving communication and emotional connection in relationships. When both partners become aware of their attachment patterns and those of each other, they can respond with greater empathy and intention. With time, self-awareness, and effort, even those with insecure attachment styles can develop healthier, more secure ways of handling arguments and strengthening their relationships.
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Charlot Cauchi is a Gestalt Psychotherapist at Willingness. He has experience working with adult clients with mental health difficulties, anxiety and depression, loss and grief, traumatic experiences, stress and relational issues.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
