Although every relationship is unique, there are generally many common denominators amongst different relationships. Many self-reports of people who consider themselves to have a great fit with their long term partner, say that their relationship makes them happy and that being in a relationship with their partner has made life more beautiful. They feel that their fit with their partner is not just ok or good enough, but it feels great, even when taking into account the need to make sacrifices for each other or when there are some difficulties.
To reflect on whether your fit with your partner is prosperous and feels natural rather than forced or feels never quite enough, you can ask yourself these questions:
- Do I love my partner for who they are or do I love the idea of what they could be when they change?
- Am I with my partner simply because of shared commitments and/or other people’s opinions?
- Does my partner make me feel special and wanted?
- Do I look forward to spending time with my partner? Is it fun when we’re together?
- Do I go to my partner when I am in distress, knowing that I will receive the proper support that I need?
- Is there enough touch and physical intimacy between us?
- Do we know and acknowledge each other’s needs and are we comfortable talking about them?
- Am I sure about my feelings for my partner and vice versa?
- Do I feel comforted or suffocated by the thought of being in this relationship for 10+ years?
- Does being with my partner feel like a safe haven? Are they what I would call ‘home’?
- Do I feel that we both give our utmost to this relationship?
- Do I feel like I am settling or is this what I had wanted and imagined for myself?
Although this is just a generalized guideline, most couples who feel like they have a good fit, would generally reply positively to most, if not all of the above. Ultimately, it is important to keep in mind that regardless of what people say, you are the only person who can truly assess how you feel in your relationship. Sometimes, a relationship feels quite good overall but for some reason or other, it still feels as though it isn’t not good enough and you might still catch yourself thinking about other opportunities. In this case, it would be wise to talk about it with your partner and people you trust or perhaps with a professional in therapy. This may be helpful as we might sometimes sabotage good relationships because of personal issues or, on the other hand, hold on to relationships that are not good enough because of fear, or out of obligation.
Claire Borg is a gestalt psychotherapist at Willingness. She works with adolescents and adults. She has a special interest in mental health. She can be contacted on claire@willingness.com.mt or call us on 79291817.