Understanding an Autistic Partner: A Guide for Couples

Being in a relationship with an autistic partner is not easy, as it might change your idea of what a relationship is all about. Initially, the partner might show you that he’s really into you but end up spending a lot more time away from you. As their partner, you might never know when they will open up to you and let you into their inner life. You might even expect them to be more interested in your family and friends or realise when you need emotional support. Given that reality might be different from your expectations, understanding your autistic partner helps, especially to avoid misinterpreting them.

Life For Autistic People – What’s It All About?

For autistic people, it might be tiring to stay with others, and they might need time on their own to feel better. This mostly happens during social events, and certain people at these events might refuse to spend time with family and friends during the week and on weekends. Consequently, they might need to find their own time to socialise, and they view solitude as a defence mechanism against depression and burnout. On the other hand, they might find a specific interest replenishing and spend hours on end engaging in this activity. Therefore, as a partner of someone autistic, it is essential to accept that they need to escape into that interest and, possibly, consider either joining in or finding yours and fully enjoy spending on your new interest without feeling guilty.

Some Traits Often Associated with Autistic People

Autistic people tend to be very honest as they find it very difficult to lie. Although honesty is considered a character strength, as a partner, you may discover compliments and praise as supportive, and they may even strengthen the relationship. However, your partner’s intention might not be to undermine you, and that could be their way of being supportive and loving. Moreover, it is very common for them not to talk about their feelings or inner world due to their lack of ability to tell you rather than their willingness to do so. Due to their struggle to self-reflect, they might be unable to disclose true thoughts and feelings. Consequently, you might experience emotional distance and yearn for more emotional intimacy.

Lack Of Ability To Disclose True Thoughts And Feelings Doesn’t Mean They Don’t Love You

That doesn’t mean they cannot express love and affection, as areas of the brain that are different from those of atypical people are activated. Although they feel love and empathy, they may struggle to express both in ways that lead to them feeling loved or empathised. Some examples of how they might show love include tidying up for you or ironing your clothes rather than telling you or using physical affection. Due to the sensory issues they usually also experience, the sensory world around them may be exhausting. Consequently, they feel drained at the end of the day.

Conclusion

In a nutshell, no matter how much an autistic partner can drive you crazy and make you wonder why you are in the relationship, your relationship can flourish when you consider the ways described above.

If you think you can benefit from professional support on this issue, you can reach out here.

Johanna Cutajar is a Master in Counselling graduate from the University of Malta. She works with children and adolescents as a counsellor within the education sector on a variety of issues, including relationship issues, trauma, bereavement, transitions, and general mental health.

References

Attwood, T., & Garnett, M. (2022). 1O things you need to know about your autistic partner. Retrieved from https://www.attwoodandgarnettevents.com/blogs/news/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-your-autistic-partner