Your sexual history might not be your favourite topic to discuss with anyone. Sex and previous relationships are some of the topics people are most hesitant to talk about. However, your current relationship can benefit from it if you manage to bring it up in the right way – even if it can be awkward to ask your partner or have them ask you about your sexual past.
Sexual History Taboos
Often, there is a belief that sharing your past sexual experiences with your current partner is a threat to the current relationship, especially when, for example, you may have ‘too much’ experience or you have been abused sexually. Common sayings like ‘keep the past in the past’ and ‘respect privacy’ prevent many people from speaking about their sexual history.
But why should you speak about it? And at which point of your relationship? And what exactly should your partner know and what is better kept to yourself?
Generally, sharing ALL details is not a good idea – but not sharing anything at all is also not the best idea.
What is a sexual history?
The term describes everything that happened in your sex life in the past basically.
Your sexual history is unique; it is about sexual health, experiences, and fantasies. It includes how many times you had sex, how many people you shared intimate moments with, whether you had any STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and how they were treated, whether you got tested for STD regularly. Part of it as well is whether you are using contraception, what you like and don’t like in the bedroom, any boundaries that you are sensitive to.
So now, why should you talk about your sexual history?
Sharing your sexual past with your partner can lead to an enhanced sex life – it helps to understand each other better when it comes to wants and needs in the bedroom. Being open and honest facilitates and strengthens intimacy on different levels. In an open conversation about your sexual past, you can ideally share your thoughts, worries and expectations – this can help to make decisions regarding your sex life going forward together.
Also, it is important to achieve safer sex for everyone involved. Not sharing about previous STDs that might reactivate at times, such as genital herpes, can be dangerous for everyone involved. The conversation should therefore include whether all partners have been tested for STDs in the past.
Preparing for that conversation
Before jumping right in, make sure that everyone who is involved in the conversation is comfortable and ready to have it. It is recommended to set boundaries beforehand as to how specific you want to get and how much information you wish to share.
The goal of a sexual history conversation is to learn about your partner, teach your partner and reassure them as well. The ideal outcome would be to understand each other better on a mental, physical, and emotional level.
Ideally, the conversation about your and your (sex) partner’s history takes place before having any sexual intercourse – whether we are speaking about sex within a relationship or a one-night-stand.
If you are in a long-term relationship and things feel a little off, and you have never addressed the sexual history with your partner – now might be the time to do so! A sexual history conversation can be a deal changer in exploring new things and bringing the magic back.
Things to keep to yourself
Before sharing details, ask yourself how the information would serve your current partner and/or the relationship/connection you have. You don’t wish to cause unnecessary jealousy issues, comparison or insecurity going forward, right?
Your current partner does not need to know how good your ex-partner was in bed or how good you were with them. It is not important to give an exact number of previous sex partners or refer to the same ex more than once and pointing out how much they might have met your expectations and fulfilled your wishes. Any information that might cause jealousy should not be put on the table when having a sexual history conversation with your current partner. Also, there is no need to refer to any size of a penis or breast.
Instead of mentioning how many orgasms your previous partner gave you, focus on communicating your wants and needs so your current partner can try their best without feeling not good enough.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counsellor with the Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in sexuality, relationship issues, trauma and general mental health.
References
Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M. R. (2010). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to
build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 47, 1-11. Publisher’s official version:
http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2010.482215. Open
Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M. R. (2010). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to
build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 47, 1-11. Publisher’s official version:
http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2010.482215. Open
Anderson, M., Kunkel, A., & Dennis, M. R. (2010). “Let’s (not) talk about that”: Bridging the past sexual experiences taboo to build healthy romantic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 47, 1-11. Publisher’s official version: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2010.482215 .