Want to Talk About Sex with Your Partner? Start Here
Talking about sex with your partner can feel intimidating, even for couples who have been together for years. Whether you are navigating mismatched desires, feeling disconnected, or hoping to deepen your intimacy, open and respectful communication is key. Research and clinical experience suggest that a majority of couples struggle to talk openly about sex, often out of fear of rejection, embarrassment, or simply not knowing where to begin. The good news is that sexual communication is a skill, which like any other skill, can be learned. This blog will address how you can initiate talks about sex with your partner.
Sex is about much more than just physical pleasure; it is about emotional connection, trust, and mutual understanding. When we avoid these kinds of conversations, we leave room for misunderstandings, unspoken resentment, and unmet needs. Especially in relationships with avoidant partners, the silence around sex can grow into emotional distance. Addressing this gently and intentionally can help you reconnect, not only in the bedroom but in your relationship as a whole. Below you can find a few tips on how to bring up the topic of sex with your partner:
1) Choose the Right Time and Tone
Do not bring up sex during or immediately after intimacy, during an argument, or when one of you is distracted or stressed. Choose a calm, private setting where you can both feel safe and unrushed. Start with a tone of curiosity and care, not criticism. Instead of saying, “We never have sex anymore,” try, “I’ve been thinking about how we connect physically — could we talk about what we both want and need?”
2) Be Honest in Sexual Communication, But Gentle
Honesty is vital, but how you frame your thoughts matters. Express your desires, boundaries, and concerns using “I” statements e.g. “I’d like to feel closer to you” or “I’ve been wondering if we could try something different.” If you are nervous, it is okay to say so. You might start with, “This is a little awkward for me, but I want to be open with you.” A thoughtful sex discussion invites vulnerability, which often leads to deeper connection and trust.
3) Make It a Two-Way Conversation
Sharing your needs and desires with your partner is great, however it is even better if you make this reciprocal. Invite your partner’s input and truly listen to what they have to say. Ask open-ended questions such as, “How do you feel about our sex life?” or “Is there anything you’d like to explore more?” Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions as the goal is understanding, not fixing.
4) Normalise Ongoing Conversations
Sexual communication is not a one-time event, but an ongoing dialogue. As you both grow and evolve, so will your sexual needs and preferences. Check in with each other regularly. Even a simple, “How are you feeling about our intimacy lately?” can keep the conversation open. Encourage one another to give feedback, and remain open to making any necessary adjustments for both partners to feel safe and respected in their needs and desires.
5) Seek Help If Needed
If past trauma, shame, or long-standing conflict make a sex discussion difficult to have, couples therapy can be beneficial. A trained therapist can help create a safe space for both partners to speak and be heard without judgment, supporting emotional safety and growth.
A sex discussion might feel scary at first, but it is one of the most powerful ways for couples to build intimacy and trust. With compassion, patience, and practice, these conversations can bring you closer on both emotional and physical levels. You do not need to have all the answers right away — only the courage to start and nurture a relationship built on listening, understanding, and mutual respect.
Written by Pamela Borg
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue, you can reach out here.
Pamela Borg is a counsellor who enjoys working therapeutically with adults experiencing various issues. These include general mental health and wellbeing, gender, sexuality, and relationship issues.
References:
Bergeson, L. (2023). 13 Ways to Start the Conversation About Sex. Retrieved from: https://experiencelife.lifetime.life/article/13-ways-to-start-the-conversation-about-sex/
McMahon, K. (2024). Sex Talk with an Avoidant Partner: A Sex Therapist’s Guide. Retrieved from: https://couplestherapyinc.com/how-to-talk-about-sex-with-your-partner-a-therapists-guide-to-avoidant-mates/
Planned Parenthood. (2024). How do I talk to my partner about sex? Retrieved from: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-pleasure-and-sexual-dysfunction/sex-and-pleasure/how-do-i-talk-my-partner-about-sex
Photo by Aman Singh on Unsplash
