Do you feel like the butterflies are gone? Do you feel that the connection with your partner has changed or even got lost? Here are some factors that might be causing your doubts about whether you still love your partner:
The initial excitement is gone
Sometimes we rush into a connection based on physical attraction or chemistry. There is interest, and the want to spend every minute with them. Now you might realize it’s gone, maybe there are even excuses made to spend time together.
Whether you constantly find yourself arguing about little things, or about how different your values are. This would be the same if you don’t argue anymore because it feels like it’s never going anywhere anyway – this can make you doubt the relationship further.
Underlying personal blockages
Past experiences can bring about certain psychological blocks that get in the way of allowing love. One of you might not believe that you deserve love – we call this a core belief; it has an impact on intimate relationships and can get in the way. Another possible block is a so-called anxious attachment style, making an individual constantly question whether they are even in love.
Growing in different directions
Love grows over time – if you and your partner don’t grow in the same direction with similar life goals and values, or one of you is more focused on self-growth and self-development, doubts can crop up.
What to do when you are not sure if you love your partner anymore?
You might want to sit down with yourself and reflect on the above-mentioned points to figure out what is causing your doubts. Observe the dynamics between you and your partner: What do you love about this person? It is important to take a little step back to do this and tune in with yourself and your feelings.
Once things are clearer, communicate together about personal thoughts and feelings if you had not done so yet. Should you both feel the same way and agree to work on the relationship, you might want to see a couple counsellor to improve communication. This will help dig deeper to find the root of the issue and figure out the best way forward in a safe space. You may also choose individual counselling to process the current situation, including personal doubts, and decide individually on the next step to move forward. It is important in this case, that what is decided is communicated as a pair.
One important question to explore when you are not sure whether you love your partner anymore:
What is love?
Do you know what love is? Your initial reaction might be ‘Of course’. However, reflecting a little deeper might bring the insight that this is a good question a lot of people don’t know how to answer.
It’s not like the books you read or the movies you’ve seen. Often, we confuse infatuation for love – even though it brings the potential for love, it’s not the same. Real love requires hard work: growth, communication, and troubleshooting … Remember that every relationship goes through different phases. Just like the aspect of falling in love, we can fall out of it – and back in.
Might your understanding of love be the same as your partner’s but your love language is different?
Clear signs that the love is gone
You might have reached a point of being clear that you are only holding on to your love because you have invested so much time and effort. It is okay to start accepting this, especially when:
– You feel content or relieved when your partner is not around.
– There is unhealthy communication which does not resolve conflict.
– There is no desire to work on the relationship anymore.
– You feel the need for a break or ‘escape’.
– The plans you made together for the future are no longer relevant.
The realization that the love is gone can hurt, disappoint, and lead to restlessness, … Remember that each of you deserves a partner you truly love mutually. Realizing that ‘they are not the one’ is a learning experience to move forward with.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counsellor with the Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in sexuality, relationship issues, trauma and general mental health.
Cunic, A. (2021). What to Do When You No Longer Have Romantic Feelings for Your Partner. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-when-you-no-longer-have-romantic-feelings-for-your-partner-5191479
BetterHelp. (2018, June 20). How To Know When Love Is Gone & What To Do About It | BetterHelp. Betterhelp.com; BetterHelp. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/how-to-know-when-love-is-gone-what-to-do-about-it/
Darcy, A. (2018, August 28). Why Can’t I Love My Partner? Am I Not in Love Anymore? Harley TherapyTM Blog. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/am-i-not-in-love-anymore.htm