Caught your partner watching porn again? Don’t really know how to deal with this situation? Whether it’s the well-known Pornhub or any other pornographic site, it can be very confusing, shocking, and frustrating to know that one’s partner is watching porn behind one’s back. Maybe you are even asking yourself whether you are not (good) enough? Or whether you are not meeting your partner’s expectations in bed? Only the thought of him watching porn might feel dirty. Maybe there is even a feeling of being cheated on. Most distress is usually caused by the feeling that your partner is withholding from you, both physically and emotionally.
This blog will shed some light on the topic. It is important to keep in mind that it is very natural that your boyfriend/husband finds other humans attractive – this goes for you as well. Understanding as to why your partner might use Pornhub is key.
Understanding: Why men are watching porn
- Men tend to be more visually stimulated than women
- A lot of men (as well as women) masturbate, whether in a relationship or single. Porn serves as visual aid
- Watching porn can be used as a form of entertainment
- Watching porn can release stress. When you are not around, it is convenient to watch porn for instant gratification
- It might be a result of peer pressure. Does your partner have friends telling him that they watch porn to stimulate their sexuality and motivate him to try it out?
- Some men find porn helpful to explore themselves and their sexuality
Before discussing the topic with your partner, you might want to try to understand his perspective as much as possible. Showing that you are willing to listen to him will help him open up to you about this sensitive topic.
Communicating
If it bothers you, it needs to be addressed. Let’s take this as a general rule.
You might feel uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassed to bring up this topic when having caught your partner watching porn. Seems like an absolute taboo topic, doesn’t it?
Well, the negative feelings around it are likely to dissipate once you enter communication with him. A higher level of honesty about his and your own needs, expectations and wishes is likely to result in greater intimacy.
Should you feel that his porn consumption is harming your relationship, try to bring across your concerns during a calm moment, without attacking him. Talk to your partner about your feelings related to the thoughts of him watching porn and about how this affects you.
Even after addressing the topic with him, it might be difficult for him to completely stay away from using Pornhub and/or other sites for the reasons mentioned above. Keeping the communication open is important. Some couples watch porn together to explore, experiment and spice up their relationship. Would this be an option in your relationship as well?
Having said all this, when catching your partner watching porn, don’t panic; he is behaving like many other men (and women) and most probably there is nothing to worry about. It doesn’t mean that he finds you unattractive or that he doesn’t love and appreciate you. As long as your partner is not avoiding intimacy with you, he is most probably just following his natural impulses from time to time.
Should you wish to know more about the topic, share your experiences, concerns and worries or just need some support to deal with your partner’s porn consumption, we are here for you.
If you think that you can benefit from professional support on this issue you can reach out here.
Franziska Richter is a transcultural counsellor with Willingness Team, offering counselling sessions to individuals and couples. She is particularly interested in trauma, addictions, migration, sexuality, and eating disorders.
References
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201907/why-committed-partner-may-watch-porn