Let’s face it we have all been there, there are times in which we get attracted to individuals who simply are not ready to commit to us on an intimate level for one reason or another. Within these relationships one might feel like no matter how much one devotes time and effort into the relationship, The other partner will never give us the reward which we desire, which is ultimately to be in a relationship with them. Despite this omission of reward one may find themselves craving that relationship even more despite this negative effects which it might have on both their physical and psychological health.

Perhaps this is even a recurring pattern in which an individual may find oneself in. This may be occurring due to the following psychological processes:

  • Fear of engulfment and abandonment

Some individuals experience fearing both; the feeling of being engulfed in a relationship, and the feeling of getting abandoned by a partner. These individuals may have experienced a relationship which was perceived as traumatic. Here, they learnt that being in a relationship can lead to a situation in which their own personal identity would be suffocated by the relationship. This means that they would perceive a relationship to be a threat to their own authentic self. At the same time the individual learnt that relationships can cause serious emotional pain if the partner decides that they would not want to continue with the relationship.

Therefore it may be perceived by an individual that being in a relationship may have more instances in which one can get hurt on an emotional level. So they decide that they are not ready to commit to anything serious, and this process may take a very long time until something is done about it which may continue to decrease the chances of the individual to find a meaningful relationship.

Check out part 2 of this blog to continue reading on the other psychological processes related to why we sometimes seek unavailable partners.

Karl Grech is a counsellor. He offers counselling to both individuals and couples within Willingness. He can be contacted on karl@willingness.com.mt or call us on 79291817.